Chapter 3: Dating and more

My husband was confused about why I ended my last installment on such a downer.  He was hoping for more I guess.  I thought it fit perfectly.  Perfectly because we had so much good going on, so much love, and all it took was one "incident" to throw a wrench in things.  Small and simple things can bring about great good, and small and simple things can destroy.

As I have been remembering this journey, all the steps that were taken, the highs and the lows, it has been quite revealing to me.  I read through my journal entries and am absolutely amazed at how in love with him I was.  Just 10 days before the entry where I decided I needed to re-evaluate my feelings for him, I wrote this:

June 11, 2005
Have I told you lately just how much I really do love him? Well... sometimes it's hard to put into words.  I begin to think about it and I just feel so overwhelmed by it all.  I am amazed at how much of my heart is tied up with his....

I love that I can talk to him about anything and everything and I don't feel awkward.  I love that he lets me love him.... I love that I am not lonely when I am with him.

And then just a few days later:

June 14, 2005
I've never been more comfortable with someone.  I just can't get over how good we re together and this warm - sometimes overwhelming- feeling of love that I have in my heart for him.  I just love him completely.

I was surprised and pleased to see how much positive I had written about him.  About our relationship.  About how completely head over heels I was for this guy.  This guy that was good and great and wonderful.  This guy that made me feel like a million bucks. 

I also know that I did not write everything.  That's the problem with a "Mormon" journal sometimes.  We have this audience in our heads consisting of our posterity.  Though they don't exist yet we still write to them sometimes.  We still leave some of the ugly things out because "would you want your children to know about this?"

So I have many wonderful journal entries about my husband to be.  And as I look back it really was awesome.  Awesome.  But I also know there were some ugly times that I did not write about.  Times that I didn't really want to remember as I looked back on our story.  Times when I cried to him on the phone after he had confessed to slipping up.  Times when I was so discouraged that he was not doing better.  Times when I thought his love for me should be greater than this problem.  I remember thinking "Can you please just think for 2 seconds before you do something stupid!?!  Why can't you stop this?  Is it really so easy to forget all that you are working for in exchange for a moments 'pleasure'?  Don't you realize this is keeping you back? Us back?"  I sometimes wanted to scream it at him.  Sometimes I did.  Well I didn't really scream it at him, but I did speak rather forcefully and with tears.

They aren't fun times to remember, but they are important times to remember.  I couldn't always be the peppy cheerleader ready to forgive anything for the greater good.  I just couldn't.  It would have been at the expense of myself.  I had to let my feelings be known to him.  I had to let him know that it wasn't just about him and that what he was doing was actually hurting me as well.  My heart, my feelings, my ability to love him wholly.  My husband has a very tender heart which I am eternally grateful for.  It almost hurts him more when he thinks he's hurt me.  He can deal with disappointing himself but not me.  Especially when we were dating.  We still had those rose colored glasses on at times.  And really it took us long enough to find each other, neither one of us wanted to throw our relationship away.

So we stuck it out.  I helped him anyway I could.  Whether it was a peppy cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, or a verbal slap in the face, I was there for him.

David proposed to me on July 10, 2005.  It was a surprise.  We had been working with his bishop towards this goal.  We had talked dates.  We had a ring chosen out.  I just didn't know when he would be able to go back to the temple.  I thought we were a few months out, maybe longer.

He proposed on a Sunday afternoon.  We went for a drive in my home town.  He pulled off to the side of the road and after a series of not so serious questions, he asked me to marry him.  I cried and said yes.

On July 31, 2005 David got his temple recommend back.  I wrote: Woo-Hoo!! This has been the goal the whole time we have been dating and today he's got it.  We are going to the temple this Tuesday.  I am so very proud of him.  He cried and I was on the verge.  What a beautiful day!

We were married on September 3, 2005 in the Logan Utah temple.  We were surrounded by family and friends.  We spent the day on cloud nine and enjoyed as much or more than any couple ever did. 

And then we lived happily ever after.  Temptation free.  Smooth sailing.  No troubles after that.  After all, we had conquered the ugly pornography beast, right?  It's gone right?  Weren't we great!  Nothing but blue skies from here on out.  At least for a little while.

Chapter 2: Dating

I shared his secret.   The secret that you don't want anyone to know.  The kind of secret that invites judgment.  The kind that makes relationships fizzle out in a matter of seconds.  The kind that he hoped he would never have to share with me.

I stayed.  Not because I'm some sort of superwoman or martyr or anything really.  I stayed because I was in love with this person.  I stayed because I could not reconcile the information he told me with the person I knew.  When we first met, way back in 1999, he was the guy that made good thought provoking comments in Sunday School.  The guy that had such kindness in his eyes.  The guy that would have melted my butter all that long time ago had the stars been aligned and had either one of us been where we needed to be in order to get together. 

As I dated him and came to know him better I liked what I saw.  I felt so comfortable around him.  So at ease in conversation and mannerisms.  He was possibly the only person I dated that I didn't feel inadequate around.  I was comfortable in my own body.  I didn't even question it at all.  We could talk about anything and we did.  Past relationships.  Things we've learned over the years.  Stupid things we've done.  He laughed at my jokes and I laughed at his.  We couldn't seem to get enough of each other.  Everything that I knew about him said "this is a good person".  Pornography addict never even entered my mind.  It would have never entered my mind voluntarily at all.

He thought he could get it taken care of himself.  He thought he could recover on his own and that I would never have to know his dirty little secret.  He was ashamed.  Ashamed at his own inadequacies, his own lack of will power, his weakness, his selfishness, and all the other ugly words that come in that downward spiral of self-loathing after an incident.  He didn't deserve me.  He was worthless and hopeless. 

That's the state of mind I found him in on that Monday night when I wouldn't take "go away" for an answer.  The downward spiral.  I didn't know the terms for it then though.  I just found him depressed and not at all himself.  This was in November as far as I can tell.  I have begun scouring my journals so I can give accurate information on how I was feeling about all of this at the time.  Unfortunately I didn't write about it.  What I wrote about is how much I loved him.  How good we were together.  How much fun we had.

Part of it was my naivety.  I didn't actually know the extent of his addiction.  I remember being frustrated when he'd confess that he's messed up.  He was meeting regularly with is bishop and that was good.  We had been counseled together by his bishop and I agreed to be his "safety net".  Meaning that if there was temptation coming on that he could call me anytime 24/7 and I would help.  We started reading scriptures together every night before going to bed, whether in person or on the phone.  I was investing what I could.  If we followed the formula for a perfect life then we'd be fine right?

I wish it were that simple.  Go to Church + Read scriptures daily + pray daily + exercise + eat right = happy temptation free life.  It never is though is it.  They are definitely part of the solution, but what about all that time you aren't in church?  When your nose isn't buried in the scriptures?

I used to get so angry when he's mess up and confess to me.  Well not at first.  At first I was the epitome of perfect encouragement. 

"I'm so sorry!  You can do it though.  You can get through this.  Call your bishop.  Get back on the path.  Put up more pictures of us, of the temple the things that are important to you!  Rah rah sis boom bah!" 

Then after the 5th or 6th time my cheering was not quite so enthusiastic.

"Seriously?!  Didn't that happen last time?  What were you thinking?  Didn't the picture of us and the temple on your computer screen even make a dent?  Rah rah, boo, grr, roar!  I'm sorry.  Did you call the bishop?"

His bishop suggested counseling for real.  You know, therapy.  With a doctor.  His therapist wanted me to go with him so I did.  At least for awhile.  It was May 2005.  I was ridiculously uncomfortable and kind of wanted to wear a hat and dark sunglasses so that no one would recognize me as I went into the building.  This is the only journal entry I have about it:

May 15, 2005
I have also started going to his counseling appointments with him.  He is seeing a wonderful counselor that his helping him take the necessary steps to get rid of his addiction.  It was weird being there at first, but it got better.  It will be a good thing for me to go with him.

It was a good thing.  I knew the steps that he was supposed to take.  More importantly I got a inside view (well as inside as I could get) at what was going on in the brain that made pornography so addicting.  I knew that habits needed to be changed, and more importantly thought processes needed to be re-routed in the brain in order for things to change effectively.  I knew the "addiction cycle" and what happens to him emotionally when he falls.  I found out that I could ask him how he's doing and support him by having someone besides himself that he is accountable to. 

I also found out that I can't do it for him.  That as much as I wanted things to clean up, as much as I wanted to literally slap this stupid addiction out of him, as much as I poured out all of my good energy hoping it would help him get over it... it wouldn't.  It could help motivate him for awhile, but not if he didn't want it as well.

June 21, 2005 Tuesday
This week has been interesting.  A time of re-evaluation.  I guess it's time I came clean about a few things in my life.... So my future posterity, be prepared for a shock.  [The man I'm dating] is battling pornography.  That is why it is taking him so long to propose to me.  I know that he still wants to propose to me, but this last few days have been harder for me to handle than I ever thought it would.

I went home for Father's Day as well as Friday night and Saturday day.  He called me on Sunday and confessed that he had slipped more than he had told me and that he had lied to me about going running a couple of Friday's ago.  I was hurt and mad and frustrated.  My mom could tell that something was up so we went on a walk and she guessed and I told.  I couldn't not tell her.  I have kept it inside for so very long and the only person I could talk to about it was [him] and that just doesn't help at all.  So I told her everything that I could and felt would help her understand the situation and my dilemma.

My dilemma or decision was to re-decide if [he] is right for me or not.  Are we just living a lie?  Do we want to get married but really it just isn't right? And does he really love me or just the support I give to him.

I'm finding it easier to back away now.  I'm not going to his meetings with the psychologist anymore  I think he can do it himself in that aspect.  I think he'll be more honest if I'm not there.  He doesn't want to hurt me and frankly I don't want to hear the words that they use.

I feel like [he] needs to be more responsible for his actions.  And I think I need to figure out why I love him.  I need to have a solid foundation to stand on or else I might just fall off.... I want to remember why I like him.

I need to remember why I like him.  Still.

Starting at the Beginning

We were dating.

We'd been dating for just over 3 months.  We liked each other. A lot.  We talked on the phone every night.  I loved his voice.  Deep and rich.  It was bliss for my ears.  It had taken us awhile to find each other and even though he wasn't sure where things were headed, I was.

Before he came into my life for real, I had given up on the whole "finding a mate" thing.  I was pretty happy to stop getting my heart broken and more than happy to stop breaking hearts.  It wasn't fun and I was done.  I had declared my freedom from the dating world and it felt good.  I was 28.

Then he came into my life.  For real this time.  I knew him from a previous ward.  It was years ago.  Like 5 years ago.  I always thought he was handsome.  He never seemed interested.  Things change.  We gain experience, some of our edges are worn down.  We start to see things as they are.  We started talking one night and kept on talking.  We laughed with each other, sometimes till we had to stop and lay down for fear we would fall down.  We had so much fun together.

Three months into this dating thing I went to the temple.  I was by myself.  I looked around the room and saw couples there.  Couples of all shapes and all sizes and that's when I really knew that I wanted to be with him.  Not just now but for forever.  It felt good and I felt at peace.

We went out that evening and had a glorious time filled with food, friends, and lots and lots of laughter.  We held hands, we hugged goodbye.  Tightly.  Lingering.  That was a Friday night.

Saturday, I didn't hear from him.

Sunday, I didn't hear from him.  I got worried.  I sent a text and heard nothing back.

Monday was also filled with silence and I was confused.  Confused because we had such a good time.  Confused at the silence.  Confused because we didn't ever go a day let alone several without talking to each other.  What was going on?

On Monday evening I was headed to family home evening with the singles ward and opted to swing by his house to see if he was there.  To see if everything was okay.  His light was on but he wouldn't answer the door.  I called him while knocking and told him I wasn't leaving until he talked to me.

He answered the door.  He looked terrible.  Not physically but emotionally terrible.  He let me in, mostly because I wouldn't take no for an answer.  I asked him what was going on.  Told him I was confused, I thought we had had a good time.  He said there were some things that he needed to get in order before we could get serious with each other.  I asked him what it was.  He didn't want to tell me.

As we sat in his living room I wracked my brain to come up with anything that I could think if that he would need to get in order?  He was engaged before, was there baggage from that?  Did he have financial difficulties?  Everything that I could think of just seemed so small and insignificant.  When I tried to pin bigger things onto him, like drugs or alcohol or abuse, it just seemed so ridiculous.  It just was not him.  

I asked him to tell me what was happening.  He said he didn't want to scare me, that he didn't want to drive me away.  I said I doubted he could say anything that would scare me and I promised him that I would not go away.  And I meant it.  I knew what I had felt in the temple just a few days before.  I knew that I wanted to be with this man.  I knew that he was a good man.

He told me he had a pornography problem.  That was the last thing that I expected to come out of his mouth.  The last.  He started to cry and I wrapped my arms around him while he wept.  Giving comfort while trying to process this bit of new and life altering information.

The Lord has a way of preparing us for what is going to be happening in our lives.  I'm pretty sure that if I had not had that experience in the temple that very weekend, I would have made a different decision.  I would have broken things off.  Instead I knew what I felt and I knew that I loved this man.  I know now that God was helping me see my husband to be through His eyes.

I hate pornography.  I hate what it does to me, to my husband, to our family.  I hate that I have to deal with it after 8 years of marriage. I hate that I will always have to be careful about so many things.  I hate that there is rarely a home that hasn't been touched by it.  I hate that it makes itself seem so big, so important, so impossible to overcome.

I love that it is not the end.  That it can be kept in check.  That it does not define who we are because we are so much more than this addiction.  

This is the beginning of my story.  My life married to someone with a pornography problem.  I will tell more of the story later, but for now, this is enough.