My husband was confused about why I ended my last installment on such a downer. He was hoping for more I guess. I thought it fit perfectly. Perfectly because we had so much good going on, so much love, and all it took was one "incident" to throw a wrench in things. Small and simple things can bring about great good, and small and simple things can destroy.
As I have been remembering this journey, all the steps that were taken, the highs and the lows, it has been quite revealing to me. I read through my journal entries and am absolutely amazed at how in love with him I was. Just 10 days before the entry where I decided I needed to re-evaluate my feelings for him, I wrote this:
June 11, 2005
Have I told you lately just how much I really do love him? Well... sometimes it's hard to put into words. I begin to think about it and I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. I am amazed at how much of my heart is tied up with his....
I love that I can talk to him about anything and everything and I don't feel awkward. I love that he lets me love him.... I love that I am not lonely when I am with him.
And then just a few days later:
June 14, 2005
I've never been more comfortable with someone. I just can't get over how good we re together and this warm - sometimes overwhelming- feeling of love that I have in my heart for him. I just love him completely.
I was surprised and pleased to see how much positive I had written about him. About our relationship. About how completely head over heels I was for this guy. This guy that was good and great and wonderful. This guy that made me feel like a million bucks.
I also know that I did not write everything. That's the problem with a "Mormon" journal sometimes. We have this audience in our heads consisting of our posterity. Though they don't exist yet we still write to them sometimes. We still leave some of the ugly things out because "would you want your children to know about this?"
So I have many wonderful journal entries about my husband to be. And as I look back it really was awesome. Awesome. But I also know there were some ugly times that I did not write about. Times that I didn't really want to remember as I looked back on our story. Times when I cried to him on the phone after he had confessed to slipping up. Times when I was so discouraged that he was not doing better. Times when I thought his love for me should be greater than this problem. I remember thinking "Can you please just think for 2 seconds before you do something stupid!?! Why can't you stop this? Is it really so easy to forget all that you are working for in exchange for a moments 'pleasure'? Don't you realize this is keeping you back? Us back?" I sometimes wanted to scream it at him. Sometimes I did. Well I didn't really scream it at him, but I did speak rather forcefully and with tears.
They aren't fun times to remember, but they are important times to remember. I couldn't always be the peppy cheerleader ready to forgive anything for the greater good. I just couldn't. It would have been at the expense of myself. I had to let my feelings be known to him. I had to let him know that it wasn't just about him and that what he was doing was actually hurting me as well. My heart, my feelings, my ability to love him wholly. My husband has a very tender heart which I am eternally grateful for. It almost hurts him more when he thinks he's hurt me. He can deal with disappointing himself but not me. Especially when we were dating. We still had those rose colored glasses on at times. And really it took us long enough to find each other, neither one of us wanted to throw our relationship away.
So we stuck it out. I helped him anyway I could. Whether it was a peppy cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, or a verbal slap in the face, I was there for him.
David proposed to me on July 10, 2005. It was a surprise. We had been working with his bishop towards this goal. We had talked dates. We had a ring chosen out. I just didn't know when he would be able to go back to the temple. I thought we were a few months out, maybe longer.
He proposed on a Sunday afternoon. We went for a drive in my home town. He pulled off to the side of the road and after a series of not so serious questions, he asked me to marry him. I cried and said yes.
On July 31, 2005 David got his temple recommend back. I wrote: Woo-Hoo!! This has been the goal the whole time we have been dating and today he's got it. We are going to the temple this Tuesday. I am so very proud of him. He cried and I was on the verge. What a beautiful day!
We were married on September 3, 2005 in the Logan Utah temple. We were surrounded by family and friends. We spent the day on cloud nine and enjoyed as much or more than any couple ever did.
And then we lived happily ever after. Temptation free. Smooth sailing. No troubles after that. After all, we had conquered the ugly pornography beast, right? It's gone right? Weren't we great! Nothing but blue skies from here on out. At least for a little while.
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