Dust Yourself Off

I asked my husband what he would do if your our situations were switched.  What we he do if I was the one with the problem rather than him.

I asked because the things that would work for me don't work for him.  The things that I default to, because they would help me, are not the same things that work for him.  His motivation is different than mine.  Well maybe not different, we are both motivated by family and God, but they ways in which we harness that motivating power are different.  I like lists.  I like making goals that I can see every day.  It motivates me to do better if I have a short term reward.  Like daily.

Those things don't work the same for my husband.  After 8 years of marriage I still have no idea what works for him.  So I asked.  "What would you do if it were me?" in the hopes of finding out what his motivation is.  He thought on that for most of the day before giving me his answer.  This is what he said:

"Knowing what I know and having been in the situation, if it were reversed I would respond with compassion."

It stopped me short.

That's exactly what he would do.  He would hold me in his arms and cry with me.

We all have different love languages and I had been ignoring his.  Well maybe not ignoring, but I didn't realize how powerful his language is to him.  Spoken words mean a lot to him as well as physical touch.

For me it's written words, gifts, and service.  Words said out loud are easily dismissible for me, but written down have much more power.  As it turns out we were both unaware that we weren't "saying I love you" in a way that the other could take to heart.

This morning I was listening to a conference talk by Elder Uchtdorf.  It was the one from the last priesthood session entitled "You Can Do It Now".  In it he said:

 "I have watched men filled with potential and grace disengage from the challenging work of building the kingdom of God because they had failed a time or two or more.  These were men of promise who could have been exceptional priesthood holders and servants of God....

Brethren, our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."

I get discouraged.  I get downhearted.  I want to see giant leaps of progress with no stumbling.  But I know better in my heart of hearts.  And so does God.  He knew we would stumble.  He knew we would make mistakes.  That's why he provided his Son to help us.  All of us.

I can give my husband compassion so he can rise up, dust himself off, and move forward.

Save He Shall Prepare a Way

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. 

One was so that I could share our story.  So that I could throw it out into the world and have it heard by someone else.  So that it wouldn't be bottled up inside of me like a cancer in my soul. 

The second reason is so that I could share what I've learned through my failures and successes in some hope that someone else can draw strength from them.  So that someone else can learn from my mistakes.

Yesterday my husband had an "incident".  He had been clean for 33 days.  I know because we have been marking it on the calendar as a victory for each clean day.  I was angry.  So very angry.  I felt frustrated that 33 days were thrown away.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to react.  I didn't know that he was even close to the edge let alone over it.

In my heart of hearts I want to be the supportive compassionate wife that my husband needs.  And also in my heart of hearts I know that I'm not perfect.  I do not have perfect compassion.  I have knee-jerk reactions.  I have emotional and eternal ties to the situation and I have been as supportive as I know how.  It felt like a slap in the face that leaves you a bit numb and cold on the inside.

My husband was sorry.  He told me as soon as it had happened. He also let the bishop know.  He's on the right track.  He was disappointed in himself more than I could be.

I spent the day wondering what to do.  What needed to be changed in our relationship, our home, our patterns.  How did it happen?  How did I not know that he was so close.  I wrongly assumed that he was getting stronger with each passing day when in fact he was getting weaker. 

I do not have the answers to the questions.  God does.

I was reading my scripture this morning and was drawn to Nephi 3:7.  I have heard this scripture all of my life and never till this moment has it taken a personal meaning to me.

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

My husband and I were married in the temple.  I made covenants with God concerning my marriage.  I know that Heavenly Father knew our situation.  He knew what we would be dealing with in our marriage.  God knows and has prepared a way for us through this trial and all the trials we deal with.

I may not know how to help my husband or myself, but if I ask God with real intent, He can help me do what is best.  Marriage is hard.  Pornography makes it so much more difficult.  But with God all things are possible. 

*Disclaimer: This is not a judgment on anyone else's marriage or situation.  You have your own path, your own relationship with your spouse and with God and that is how it should be.