Save He Shall Prepare a Way

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. 

One was so that I could share our story.  So that I could throw it out into the world and have it heard by someone else.  So that it wouldn't be bottled up inside of me like a cancer in my soul. 

The second reason is so that I could share what I've learned through my failures and successes in some hope that someone else can draw strength from them.  So that someone else can learn from my mistakes.

Yesterday my husband had an "incident".  He had been clean for 33 days.  I know because we have been marking it on the calendar as a victory for each clean day.  I was angry.  So very angry.  I felt frustrated that 33 days were thrown away.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to react.  I didn't know that he was even close to the edge let alone over it.

In my heart of hearts I want to be the supportive compassionate wife that my husband needs.  And also in my heart of hearts I know that I'm not perfect.  I do not have perfect compassion.  I have knee-jerk reactions.  I have emotional and eternal ties to the situation and I have been as supportive as I know how.  It felt like a slap in the face that leaves you a bit numb and cold on the inside.

My husband was sorry.  He told me as soon as it had happened. He also let the bishop know.  He's on the right track.  He was disappointed in himself more than I could be.

I spent the day wondering what to do.  What needed to be changed in our relationship, our home, our patterns.  How did it happen?  How did I not know that he was so close.  I wrongly assumed that he was getting stronger with each passing day when in fact he was getting weaker. 

I do not have the answers to the questions.  God does.

I was reading my scripture this morning and was drawn to Nephi 3:7.  I have heard this scripture all of my life and never till this moment has it taken a personal meaning to me.

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

My husband and I were married in the temple.  I made covenants with God concerning my marriage.  I know that Heavenly Father knew our situation.  He knew what we would be dealing with in our marriage.  God knows and has prepared a way for us through this trial and all the trials we deal with.

I may not know how to help my husband or myself, but if I ask God with real intent, He can help me do what is best.  Marriage is hard.  Pornography makes it so much more difficult.  But with God all things are possible. 

*Disclaimer: This is not a judgment on anyone else's marriage or situation.  You have your own path, your own relationship with your spouse and with God and that is how it should be.