Lasting Change: Part 2

My journal entry:

"January 24, 2014 Friday

My husband has been lying to me.  He let me believe that things were going well with his pornography situation when they most certainly have not.  He’s fallen repeatedly over the last two weeks.  Never on holidays, never on vacation, but when the day to day grind is back, he has been having problems.

I was mad when he told me.  Mad that he had lied.  Mad that he was covering it up.  Mad that he let me mark the calendar with positive numbers and still didn’t say anything.  I listened to what he had to say.  He read his journal entry that he wrote this morning before he got the nerve to confess to me...." 

This was when things started to really and truly change.  He came home after a group session and his heart was open and humble.  I can't remember what step in the recovery program they had talked about that evening, but I remember the effect.  I cautiously told him my feelings.  About the hurts he didn't know about.  About the effect that the pornography addiction was having on my ability to be attracted to him sexually and non-sexually.  How hard it was to look him in the eye.

We talked about the addiction and that perhaps we were wrong.  Perhaps the addiction wasn't the real problem but something else.  That's when depression came up.  We had both been so wrapped up in the act and shame of pornography that we were ignoring what was triggering him to turn there.  What was going on in his life that he felt he needed to indulge in something?

Depression. 

As we explored this possibility together it became more and more clear that depression was a huge problem.  He was no longer enjoying his job, he was having a hard time with his calling, his duties as husband and father.  He didn't want to get out of bed in the morning.  Sometimes he couldn't get out of bed in the morning. The light in his eyes was so dim.  So... beaten down.  There was so much that needed to be accomplished that it was overwhelming to him.  He could see no escape and no end to any of it.  He couldn't sit down and watch episode after episode of some harmless television show like I can when I have a bad day.  He didn't have the time to escape into a good book.  He had to work 52 hour weeks and make time for his calling, and feel guilt about what he was not able to do with the family.

Things became clear.  He saw his addiction... we saw his addiction... for what it was and what it was not.  He was not a sex addict.  He was not a bad person.  He was not depraved and base and someone to be shunned.  He was a man having a problem with depression.  He was searching for escape and because of exposure early on in his life his way of escape was harmful.  

More from that same journal entry.

"I don’t have vast experience with his addiction, but I have worlds of experience with depression.  I know exactly what it’s like to have the cloud hanging over your head raining on everything in your life.  I know how hard it is to find the break.  I know how impossible it feels to try to make your situation better.  Overwhelmed and buried.

We can’t change his responsibilities, but we can change his outlook.

I suggested that he start keeping a gratitude journal because it had done so much for me in the past.  I told him to start looking for service opportunities.  Little ones that won’t be a burden but a blessing.  I told him to be kind with himself.  I told him to stop feeling ashamed."

We started treating the real problem.  He started doing little things to help change his outlook on life.  Little acts of service, of gratitude, of finding and seeing silver linings.  He continued on with group meetings and intends to keep going for years to come.  He has embraced the 12-step program and puts his whole heart and soul into doing them in the right way.  

His countenance began to change.  The light came back to his eyes and he became happy once again.  Happy like I hadn't seen him in years.

The day we realized that his real problem was depression was the day that my husband's temptations ceased to have that overpowering grip on him.  He is still tempted at times but they do not overwhelm him into action.  When those temptations come he is able to see them for what they are.  He is able to remove himself from the situation and change his outlook.

He told me recently that he used to be tempted several times a day and now he goes whole weeks without being tempted.  Those were sweet words to hear.

Last Tuesday he got his temple recommend back.  We both know that this is not the end of the problem.  We both made that mistake before and do not want to make it again.  My husband and I both have changed our habits.  We are more aware than ever before of the power of little things.  But it is a step towards lasting change.

Lasting Change: Part 1

Isn't that what we all want?  Lasting change.

My husband is doing better.  Better than I have ever seen before.  The kind of better that makes you hold your breath and not tell anyone in case you jinx the change that seems to be taking place.  At last.  At long, long last.

My husband confessed to me last November/December to having been caught up in pornography for the past year.  He didn't tell me because he was embarrassed.  He planned to tell me after he had gotten the problem taken care of.  When he got it under control and it was again part of his past and not the present. 

It got worse.  The addiction cycle got worse.  The guilt got worse, and yet he still justified his actions.  Justified his need to not tell me, to do it himself.  He thought he really could fix it, stop it, take care of it all by himself.  I may not even had needed to know.

When my husband finally told me it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me, but worse. I felt "led on".  I was led to believe that everything was okay.  That pornography wasn't the problem that it used to be.  I could safely feel like one of those couples who had kicked it.  Gotten rid of it.  Safely in recovery never to be tempted the same way again.  In fact I had asked him point blank on several occasions whether everything was "okay".  He smiled and gave me the affirmative.

I was so angry.  So angry that I couldn't really put words to it at first.  I said things in short bursts and then walked away, only to turn around and say something else about the incredulity of it all.  I couldn't look him in the eye for days.  I communicated only out of necessity.  We put on a good front for our child, the last thing I wanted him to do was think that something was off with mom and dad.  But still, I couldn't look him in the eye.  I couldn't talk to him about anything other than the weather, or whether he wanted an egg with his breakfast.

After three days of communicating out of necessity rather than want, I told him "This is why people get divorced over these things.  Because of the lying."

I didn't know what to do and I was pretty sure that I couldn't help him.  I just couldn't.  I couldn't go through the rah rah sis boom bahness of it all again.  I couldn't take any responsibility for his recovery.  He had to do it.  I had to take care of myself.

I began to go to the temple a lot.  Like weekly if possible.  One of the perks of having a husband who works from home is that I can put the little one down for a nap and then do a session at the temple.  I was also seeing a footzoner who was helping me work through a lot of my own issues that had been buried for years.  I was finding out about myself, why I react to some things the way I do.  Why some things gave me anxiety that didn't need to.  I was finding out that I had a lot of baggage that I didn't need to hold onto anymore from the years before my husband was ever involved.  A lot that I could give to the Savior and let it out of my life forever.  I began to see myself with more loving eyes.  My whole self.  Nothing had changed with my husband but lots had changed with my heart.

I went to the temple to do a session and ask for help.  Help in knowing what the Lord would have me do for my husband.  How could I best be of service to him.  Without going into too much detail, I decided that I needed to be Adam's Eve.  I needed to be the support and helpmeet to him.  Meaning that we were in this together, side by side.  Two are stronger than one.  He is my husband, we made covenants with each other and with God.  I would stick by his side and support him however I could.  I would continue on with my duties and do my best to find joy in the service. 

I could be a good wife.  I could be a good mother.  However, I could not take over his role.  I could be his Eve but I could not be Adam.  He had to step up to that role.  He had to fill up that hole in my life, but he wasn't ready to yet.  At least not completely.

My husband started meeting regularly with the bishop.  He began going to weekly group meetings.  He fell again.  I got frustrated and angry.  I found solace and comfort in the scriptures and service.  They had been coming alive for me.  Things that I had read so very many times before took on new meaning.  Greater meaning.  It was like I was seeing them with new eyes.  My cup was getting filled.

He kept on messing up, I kept on going to the temple.  The temple was saving me.  And him for that matter.  In that quiet place of solitude and service, answers were starting to come.

To be continued.

Dust Yourself Off

I asked my husband what he would do if your our situations were switched.  What we he do if I was the one with the problem rather than him.

I asked because the things that would work for me don't work for him.  The things that I default to, because they would help me, are not the same things that work for him.  His motivation is different than mine.  Well maybe not different, we are both motivated by family and God, but they ways in which we harness that motivating power are different.  I like lists.  I like making goals that I can see every day.  It motivates me to do better if I have a short term reward.  Like daily.

Those things don't work the same for my husband.  After 8 years of marriage I still have no idea what works for him.  So I asked.  "What would you do if it were me?" in the hopes of finding out what his motivation is.  He thought on that for most of the day before giving me his answer.  This is what he said:

"Knowing what I know and having been in the situation, if it were reversed I would respond with compassion."

It stopped me short.

That's exactly what he would do.  He would hold me in his arms and cry with me.

We all have different love languages and I had been ignoring his.  Well maybe not ignoring, but I didn't realize how powerful his language is to him.  Spoken words mean a lot to him as well as physical touch.

For me it's written words, gifts, and service.  Words said out loud are easily dismissible for me, but written down have much more power.  As it turns out we were both unaware that we weren't "saying I love you" in a way that the other could take to heart.

This morning I was listening to a conference talk by Elder Uchtdorf.  It was the one from the last priesthood session entitled "You Can Do It Now".  In it he said:

 "I have watched men filled with potential and grace disengage from the challenging work of building the kingdom of God because they had failed a time or two or more.  These were men of promise who could have been exceptional priesthood holders and servants of God....

Brethren, our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."

I get discouraged.  I get downhearted.  I want to see giant leaps of progress with no stumbling.  But I know better in my heart of hearts.  And so does God.  He knew we would stumble.  He knew we would make mistakes.  That's why he provided his Son to help us.  All of us.

I can give my husband compassion so he can rise up, dust himself off, and move forward.

Save He Shall Prepare a Way

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. 

One was so that I could share our story.  So that I could throw it out into the world and have it heard by someone else.  So that it wouldn't be bottled up inside of me like a cancer in my soul. 

The second reason is so that I could share what I've learned through my failures and successes in some hope that someone else can draw strength from them.  So that someone else can learn from my mistakes.

Yesterday my husband had an "incident".  He had been clean for 33 days.  I know because we have been marking it on the calendar as a victory for each clean day.  I was angry.  So very angry.  I felt frustrated that 33 days were thrown away.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to react.  I didn't know that he was even close to the edge let alone over it.

In my heart of hearts I want to be the supportive compassionate wife that my husband needs.  And also in my heart of hearts I know that I'm not perfect.  I do not have perfect compassion.  I have knee-jerk reactions.  I have emotional and eternal ties to the situation and I have been as supportive as I know how.  It felt like a slap in the face that leaves you a bit numb and cold on the inside.

My husband was sorry.  He told me as soon as it had happened. He also let the bishop know.  He's on the right track.  He was disappointed in himself more than I could be.

I spent the day wondering what to do.  What needed to be changed in our relationship, our home, our patterns.  How did it happen?  How did I not know that he was so close.  I wrongly assumed that he was getting stronger with each passing day when in fact he was getting weaker. 

I do not have the answers to the questions.  God does.

I was reading my scripture this morning and was drawn to Nephi 3:7.  I have heard this scripture all of my life and never till this moment has it taken a personal meaning to me.

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

My husband and I were married in the temple.  I made covenants with God concerning my marriage.  I know that Heavenly Father knew our situation.  He knew what we would be dealing with in our marriage.  God knows and has prepared a way for us through this trial and all the trials we deal with.

I may not know how to help my husband or myself, but if I ask God with real intent, He can help me do what is best.  Marriage is hard.  Pornography makes it so much more difficult.  But with God all things are possible. 

*Disclaimer: This is not a judgment on anyone else's marriage or situation.  You have your own path, your own relationship with your spouse and with God and that is how it should be.